A Fat Reminder

Skinny people generally imagine that the fat person's brain works like this: a fat person floats along through life until they are informed that they are fat through some humiliating incident or another. This incident forges within them a resolve to lose weight. The person then either loses weight or goes into denial until the cycle repeats.

Now I don't know about other fat people, but for me this is the opposite of how my brain works. Every time I get embarrassed or humiliated, I deal with it. It doesn't make me want to lose weight. Instead, I get prouder of my emotional fortitude, smarter at coping, more adept with my personal solutions to the fat person's dilemmas. It's when I feel truly beautiful, shiek, well-dressed, and glamorous that I am most inspired to eat healthy and work out more. Momentum goes both ways.

Today I had one of those fat reminders. I flew to Malibu for a wedding, and both flights on Saturday went perfectly. My first flight today was the same. However, on the very last leg of my journey, I found myself in an airplane seat with a seat belt that wouldn't fasten. Three flight and the seat belt snapped easily, flight number four and it wouldn't budge. Worse, the two other passengers in my row were already seated, so I had to try and try to get it to close, sucking in my gut as far as it would go, wishing I could just disappear. My biggest fear was that the flight attendant would come by and say something before I was able to get it to fit. Finally, after an indemnible period of time, I heard the tell tale "click" that meant I wasn't the fattest woman on the planet. Poof, in one humiliating episode all the hours and hours of feeling gorgeous at the rehearsal and the wedding were gone. Everything that had me feeling so good the past month had vanished with it, and I felt like just another fat girl trying to fight the whole world for her right just to exist in peace. I spent the five hour flight avoiding the people in my row and flipping through my copy of Vogue pretending that any of the items in it might fit.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day, and after a very decadent four day trip, I doubt there will be any good news. However, I need to remember that I feel bad because of the stupid seat belt, and not because of anything else. One day I'll get on a plane and the thought that it might not snap won't even cross my mind. Until then, I gotta keep on chugging and not let stupid crap like this keep me down.


Jenn said...

Oh man, I've had so many incidents like this one! It doesn't take much to take the wind out of our sails sometimes.
Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that the belt was probably malfunctioning! Even if it wasn't, YOU know you are eating healthy and losing weight. You will never see those people on the plane again, so screw what they think, lol!

Drop150 said...

Thanks Jenn! I still feel crappy about it, but I won't let it ruin my week any longer. All your comments mean a lot!

Hanlie said...

I think you're very wise to realize that we cannot effect change when we come from a position of self-hatred and correction. It's only when we can love ourselves enough enough that we can change for the better.

I'm sorry you feel bad about the incident, but honestly, the feeling doesn't serve you. Time to let go, my friend!